I think it was before I started posting story concepts on tumblr but I had an old concept called ‘apocalyptia’ which was a dark comedy about a world where every apocalypse movie premise happened simultaneously
The big joke was that all these HUGE disasters cancelled each other out. A bunch of shit flooding kept the zombies contained. The super intelligent apes stopped global warming. The leather-clad motorcycle murder gangs intimidate the alien invaders.
Everything sucks in like 8 overlapping ways but it’s just become the norm at this point. There’s a guy named Cannibal Jack that people trust to cook for them for some reason.
The main character is a recluse with a shotgun who just wants to sit in her shack and give cynical advice to passing young people, but unfortunately, her younger brother and only surviving family member is a conman with his fingers in every stupid decision being made within a ten mile radius
The brother’s name is Sal, which is short for SOMETHING but he changes his answer every time. He seems to think this qualifies as an alias, and bizarrely, it usually works. Notable ‘definitely Sal’s real name’ options include Salt, Salmon, Salamander, and Salad.
His sister’s name is Marian, occasionally called Misery Marian. It is a running joke that young characters think this is a reference to her bad attitude, but anyone who actually CALLS her that is clearly terrified of her for some unspecified reason.
Sal’s got an on-again off-again business partner by the name of Kent Bardsley, who is just…. SO irresponsibly horny. Sal’s motivation is money, but Kent’s is sex. He keeps getting run out of town for sleeping with important people’s wives. He’s an idiot, but he’s not a conman like Sal, he just helps him with his schemes as an in to towns so he can visit his assortment of fuckbuddies.
The joke of Kent’s character is that the ‘apocalypse’ he’s part of is conservative scaremongering about sexual freedom destroying society. He gets a last name because while Sal calls him Kenny, Marian calls him ‘Bardsley’ with deep contempt.
The fuck types of our characters so far:
Marian: fuck off
Sal: fuck you, pay me
Kent: fuck me
Cannibal Jack: what the fuck
There’s an alien named Glipix who is investigating why the invasion failed and her analysis tends to boil down to ‘damn bitch you really live like this?’
Kent is really into her but his flirting goes right over her head. Marian’s the only one she respects anyways.
Kent: Hey, you looking to get those eggs fertilized, beautiful?
Glipix: What pollinators are operating on this horrible planet? Did you see one? I need to speak with them if you did.
Kent: uh
I have a mental image for a TV opening where it’s Marian at like. 12. watching some apocalypse happen through a window and saying “The world ended when I was a girl…” in a really serious tone, and then it pans out to show like 6 other apocalypses happening and her voice turns sarcastic and she says “about thirty fucking times, actually.”
Alright here’s more content for you guys:
—Marian is 46 and spent her 20s and early 30s as a mad max style motorcycle gang member. ‘Misery Marian’ was her moniker while she was LEADING one of these gangs.
—Sal and Kent are somehow unaware of this.
—Sal’s apocalypse is capitalism. Also Godzilla.
—I’m not kidding about that, Sal and Marian’s parents were killed by a giant dinosaur that still sometimes shows up to bother Sal.
i’m in love with this
Please for the love of god write this book so i can do fanfiction of the characters in already in love with
this made me think “Hephaestus would also love us” and then I saw Hephaestus going on a forbidden journey to sunder Prometheus’s chains because without the gift of fire humans would never have learned the art of the forge. and he was already cast out of Olympus for being born with a disability, without fire in human hands he would have been so lonely, god of nothing and no one.
now they watch humans do these things together just beaming like two proud dads and occasionally calling Asclepius when shit goes sideways (“we love you, children! always wear your PPE!”)
💎 𝗡𝗲𝘄 𝗶𝘁𝗲𝗺!
Cleaning Cube
Wondrous item, common
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This Tiny, sentient piece of an enchanted gelatinous cube is harmlessly soapy, instead of acidic, and enjoys cleaning the surfaces it travels across. When found, the "cleaning cube" is a dehydrated, 2-inch cube. While dehydrated, the cube is inanimate and its weight is negligible. You can place the dehydrated cube in 1 or more gallons of water as an action, causing it to animate and grow in size to become a 1-foot cube that weighs 6 pounds. The rehydrated cube moves slowly while animated in this way, methodically cleaning objects and surfaces it comes into contact with. The cube remains hydrated for up to 8 hours, but can be squeezed as an action (as if it were a sponge) to dehydrate it again early.
The "cleaning cube" is considered a magical object and is not a creature. It has a speed of 1 foot and can climb difficult surfaces, including upside down on ceilings, without needing to make an ability check. It has AC 10, 10 hit points, and has resistance to all damage. The cube dehydrates when it drops to 0 hit points, but regains all its hit points when hydrated again.
𝙎𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙚. The "cleaning cube" is a sentient unaligned item with an Intelligence of 1, a Wisdom of 6, and a Charisma of 1. It has hearing and blindsight out to a range of 60 feet. It can’t speak or read, but obeys your commands as best as it can understand them.
𝙋𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙮. The "cleaning cube" is happiest finding and dissolving dirt and other grime, and enjoys the feeling of moving across clean, polished surfaces. It doesn’t concern itself with combat, preferring to continue its cleaning instead of involving itself in confrontation. If the cube finds a stray coin, gemstone, or other similar small item out of place while it cleans, it will absorb and clean the item until it’s removed by a creature as an action or until it becomes dehydrated once again.
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also i think it’s funny how tumblr was like “you can pay to see someone’s posts” and we were all like FUCK you and they were like “… pay to… inflict your own posts… on others?” and we were like
yknow, people talk about the tumblr userbase being reclusive and stubborn (and we are), but its worth noting that we’re also aggressively social.
we dont NEED algorithms, because thats OUR job, and we take pride in it. we WANT to do the work ourselves! we WANT to tell people ourselves!
we dont NEED our blogs to look the same, because we wanna make our OWN themes, and share them with each other, and experiment!
our most successful april fools days are the ones that just gave us new avenues to SCREAM REALLY LOUDLY in (promoting candidates in the 2016 election, turning our dashboards into semi-randomized rube goldberg machines of text and emojis in 2022).
we’re always constantly ramping things up to eleven, so the best enrichment toy for us is just. see this ball? feel free to throw it as hard as you want.
> we’re also aggressively social
oh. I just realised.
this is what actual social media is. instead of the other websites, which are advertising media that pretend they’re social media.
And btw, in case you were wondering- Yeah, Tumblr Catholics using Blaze to prosthelytize is fucking hilarious. As long as they’re not being actively malicious in the posts themselves. It’s like handing out JESUS SAVES pamphlets at the fucking leather bar. It’s great. Let them do it.
Not only handing out JESUS SAVES pamphlets at the leather bar but also tipping the waiters as they do it
vampire hunter? no i said vampire HAUNTER. this jerk sucked all my blood out so now i spend my afterlife knocking over shelves and scaring off potential victims and just making the castle generally pretty cold
it’s always ‘bleh why are the plates floating’, 'gah who knocked over my blood goblet’ and never 'sorry for killing you’ ok starve then!
and what are you going to do about it? have a priest exorcise the place? yeah good luck with all the crosses and holy water you piece of shit
It’s a lovely morning in the gothic castle, and you are a horrible ghost.
24th April 2022
Reblogged From imadetheline
Notes: 111358
